I really do, you guys. It's getting dire. And lest you think I'm using you as a glorified shopping list, this post does have some sort of a point: Like I said, I need mascara. This is something I have thought of almost every day for the past few weeks as I'm doing my makeup. Each time I pull that wand out of its increasingly dry and empty tubular home, I make a little note in my brain to pick some up next time I'm out.
Problem is, my brain no longer labels this information as vital. As soon as I step out of the bathroom the mascara is shoved out of the way to make way for far more important stuff, like "OMG, why is my child sucking on an open container of lip balm!"
Poor mascara, there was a time when she and her cosmetic compatriots were able to sit comfortably in my mind as I went about the day. I even made trips to the pharmacy just to buy them. To be honest, that thought kind of boggles my mind now. The thought of hopping in my car by myself while it was still daylight, driving to a pharmacy and buying just one item- an item meant to make me look pretty no less, and not something somehow involved with baby poop- radio cranked up, and windows rolled down, just seems so alien now. Perhaps I'd even drop by Starbucks, or have a browse around Target, by myself.
It's not so much that these things happened, it's that they happened without a second thought. It's not inconceivable now that I could carve out a few hours for myself to buy beauty products or get a cup of coffee, but it is inconceivable that this would be a spontaneous occurrence. The trip would have to involve a discussion with my husband about when the baby was last fed/changed/exposed to sunlight, and would most likely also involve an element of practical multi-tasking (I would probably need to pick up milk, bread, and baby wipes). And, unlike my 26-year-old self, I would relish the outing as a major event, rather than a quick to-do list cross off.
I have spent some time wondering if this is how some new parents begin the process of letting themselves go. Step one, run out of mascara/whatever makes you feel "put together" and mean to buy some more. Step 2, constantly forget to buy new mascara, realize you can live without it. Step 3, run a few quick errands in your pajamas. Step 4, your friends nominate you for "What Not to Wear." It's a slippery slope, my friends.
I love my son, and I love how my priorities have changed since becoming a parent. But, I also love feeling good about myself. And, for better or worse, something that makes me feel good everyday is putting on real clothes and little bit of makeup. For some people, it's making the bed every morning (quite obviously not the case here, if you were to have a peek in my bedroom), or finding time for exercise. I think the whole idea of letting yourself go means deciding that this thing that makes you feel like you can take a backseat to life's other priorities. I'm going to try really hard to keep that from happening. It may not be earth-shattering, but I'm going to go write "mascara" on my shopping list. Right after I scrape dried mushed banana off the sofa.